a little like falling in love

I am not a natural parent. I have to work at it. Every. Blasted. Minute. Which is probably why I find it so exhausting. While I knew I would walk through fire or throw myself in front of a truck for my children from the moment they were born, if not before, in each case it has taken me a little while to feel at ease with my baby, to feel like I know them.

In the beginning, I have a lot of trouble talking to the baby, especially when we spend long periods without anyone else around. I have to remind myself to do narrate, to use their name, and to let them know what we're going to do together. Slowly, I find myself talking, giving the baby a running commentary on what we're doing and what is going on. Maybe it happens when the baby starts to be more interactive and show glimpses of her personality, I'm not sure. I just know it's not instant kind of thing for me.

Today Eleanor and I were doing lots of errands. We had to go to the Social Security office to get her middle name corrected, to the doctor for her checkup and first round of shots, to a shop to return some trousers that were too large for Oliver and find him more summer pjs, and check in with the painter at the house we are selling. I realized I was not at all self-conscious as I chatted with little Eleanor, walking around the shops, surrounded by strangers.

When we left the last shop it was raining, something that was not happening when we went in and that I was not expecting. As I pushed the stroller back to our car, narrating all the way, it washed over me with the rain. I knew that we fit together, just like that moment you know you're really in love.

I have forgotten exactly when I reached this point with Oliver but today it happened with Eleanor. I'm blogging it so I can look back and remember.